Confident person

5 Conversational Behaviors Of A Confident Person

Confident person

Confident People Outwork Themselves

5 Conversational Behaviors Of A Confident Person

1. They focus in making statements other than asking questions

“I would appreciate if you come up again” ↔ “could you come up again?”

“I am going to the stores” ↔ “Can I go to the stores?”

“Grab me the marker” ↔ “would you grab me the marker?”

Having to convert all the questions in your mind to statements might somehow feel weird. However, there are some ways that you may play with the tone of saying them making them more palatable. It is also affectionate to give a smile when one does the desired request.

2. They never qualifies themselves when they are speaking

Qualifying statements are like, “this is the reason…” “what I meant was…” “in my opinion…” etc are qualifying answers. It sends the message that, although you know what you are saying, you are not certain about your statements.

When misinterpreted, non-qualifying answers may seem rude although makes you confident about the message you are driving home.

3. In most cases they are comfortable in silence and feel no pressure to speak

Kwisepsychology.com: Workplace conflict

Kwisepsychology.com: Workplace conflict

When in a conversation, the confident person allows others time to speak and drive their point. They are active listeners. They take this time to understand and collect their thoughts. They don’t throw their statements in conversations without thinking about what they are about to say. Their motivation is not on what people might say of the delay to speak but on what they are trying to say.

Have you ever been in an argument with someone and this person pauses, sits in silence just listening or pretending to listen? Either way. How did you feel? Panic? Or did you keep talking? Confident people have no pressure to speak and are known to pause the conversations.

4. They have no quiver in their voice; they say it clear and their way

Have you ever been in a situation you are delivering a talk and people asked you to speak up? It means that you were not driving your ideas in a confident dimension. What your tone says is, “ my points are not good enough to be heard.” It might not be in your conscious thought, but keep in mind that this id how your tone is interpreted.

Confident people tend to be loud and clear while giving their speech. Don’t mistake loud and aggressive. Confident people are calm in their talks.

5. They never provide unasked explanations

Have you ever said something, maybe it was a little too risky or ambiguous, then made an explanation without anyone asking you? Yes, me too. One of the things that the confident people don’t do is explaining their statements without anyone asking or if they don’t want to. They only give explanations when someone asks, which then depends on the context or the relationship with the person asking. Keep in mind that your cognition behind a decision is entirely your property and no one is entitled to it. Confident people tend to have mastered this skill more.

5 Important Things That Do Not Matter In Life

Have you ever scheduled a meeting with yourself and thought of the puzzle of life and all that happens around us? Or even ever thought the significance of all the things happening around us and others really pressuring us out? Here are some of the top 5 things that don’t matter in life though always driving us really crazy;

  1. Name Brand Clothes- to be honest, is there anyone that cares about the brand of clothes? In my opinion, what matters most is that the cloth on your skin fits and looks good. That’s the first thing you always consider before purchasing. For women color matters most as you will have to figure out you will color block or match to what outfit. To men, that is a non-issue, as long as it looks good and fits well. In my opinion, there is no point in spending $80 on a single pair of pants when you can get the exact same pants for $25.

2. Sex- for many years, most people have insisted that humans are naturally polygamous. If at all what the majority believe is true, then sex is not really a big deal, and we should all be in the idea of sharing each other. Or what is your take on that?

istock image

istock image

3. Celebrity News- the media of our generation does a ‘pretty good job’ of embellishing the little things done by our socialites. But come to think of it, what do the Instagram models add to our day to day lives. Our celebrities should be there to entertain us and not set the beauty and lifestyle standards. What Vera Sidika or Huda wore in their vacation in Dubai is totally useless information.

alarmy stock photo

alarmy stock photo

4. Your Life’s Achievements- at the end of it all, our clock in the universe is always ticking and time will eventually come to pass. Regrettably, we shall never be able to carry all that we spend our life building on earth past this point. What will matter most at the end of your time is not your possessions or accomplishments but whether you have to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

5. You- to more than 99.99% of the global population, you are simply an entity in their reality. You really don’t matter to them until the day you will become some sort of presence in their lives. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

7 mental health challenges faced by single moms

7 Mental Health Challenges Single Moms Face & Tips To Cope With Them

7 mental health challenges faced by single moms

image courtesy: utep.edu

The number of single moms rises every hour day in day out where they keep their heads held high on occasion for their children. Regrettably, most single moms don’t seek for help and never buy the idea of them needing help.

 

In some single moms, stress does pile up and create mental health challenges. Some others struggling with depression and PSTD, and others self-medicating with unhealthy methods.

 

Kwisepsycology.com gathered the most common mental health challenges faced by single mothers daily and tips for coping with these challenges;

1. Unending Conflict With Your EX

Divorce or even separations are always tough to go through, but ongoing conflict with the father of your child erodes you as a single mom. Some of the challenges the single mothers from the Ex are; bullying, violation of the divorce agreements, manipulation, and conflict over child support.

2. Deprivation Of Sleep

Most single mothers never get enough sleep. Reason? Because the only time you can accomplish much is when your kids are asleep.

Doing the home cleaning, laundry, studies, among other responsibilities limits your rest time when you are a single mom. Lack of enough sleep often affects your ability to cope with other challenges.

3. Financial Insecurity

One of the repercussions of a loss of a partner or even divorce, most single moms frequently become more vulnerable economically. This is especially if you have an unstable income.

Unfortunately, minimum wages and work instability often put the majority of single mothers below the poverty line even when they have full time jobs.

Most of the single mothers end up settling in informal settlements and slums to feed their children. Economic hardships and poverty are highly linked to depression and anxiety cases.

4. Inadequate Self-Care

Not surprisingly, the majority of single mothers rarely take care of themselves neither do they find time for recharging. Reason? As a single mom, you have all your focus on your children and their well being. A ‘getaway’ is just dream for single moms and even finding time for exercise is close to impossible.

Self-care is one of the ways that we as human beings find joy and helps us cope with daily life challenges, unfortunately, most single moms put self-care as last in their to-do list, others it does not appear at all.

5. History Of Abuse

The incidents and cases of domestic violence have constantly increased in society. A noteworthy number of married women seeking support and others are leaving abusive relationships. Although this might be considered a bold move to make, they are carrying with the psychological trauma which may trigger mental stability in women. Domestic violence and sexual abuse is in fact the largest cause of PSTD among women.

6. Weak Support Networks

In most cases, when a woman becomes a single mom; whether by circumstances or choice, her close allies tend to drift away from her when she needs them most. While some friends may choose to pick sides, others feel awkward in relating to the newly single mom reality.

Disconnection from the community gives a single mom or any human being the feelings of hopelessness, empty, and alienation.

7. Stigmatization And Judgment By Society

The society is always quick to judge or stereotype single mothers. Unfortunately, these judgments come any time and from different corners; some from co-workers, your child’s teacher, another parent, neighbors, friends, and even some family members.

For single mothers experiencing the above mental challenges causing stress, here are five tips to help you cope with the situation;

1. Look for your tribe. Try as much as possible to connect with moms whom you share comparable challenges

2. Seek for help. All women, strong and independent need support systems and help now and then. No one is capable of doing it alone.

3. Networking. Build your strong support system of friends, acquaintances, and connections. These support groups can be from the chamas, merry go rounds, spiritual groups, online support groups, etc.

4. Put self-care in reach on your to-do list. You are a gem and you should take care of yourself. It does not have to be expensive, neither does it have to be time-consuming, although very important.

5. Seek professional help. When you feel or discover the pressure is too much or start to show signs of mental health disorders, it is high time to seek professional help.

 

Mental Health Awareness Month: Is One Month Enough For Mental Health Awareness?

“We need to normalize conversations on psychological pain as we have normalized those of any form of physical pain”

Shareh Wanjau

Mental Health Awareness Month. Do we need a month to for advocating for mental health? My answer should be somehow close or else similar to yours if we belong to the same school of thought in matters regarding health and well being. Every day should be a wellness day and when we talk of wellness; we should include, physical, emotional, spiritual, social, and all forms of factors that attribute to wholesome happiness of you as an individual. Or here is another example, when your stomach hurts, you don’t sit and say to yourself, ‘things will fall into place’ and the pain will just go away. Of course you will try to remember what you have fed your stomach in a fortnight, what you have drunk, sitting and sleeping positions that could agitate your stomach for the past two or three days, the number of washroom visits you have made and so forth. You will even consult your close family and friends on the possible causes of the same, and if they have had the experience. Then rush to the nearest clinic for medication.

Similarly, when feeling stressed or getting depressed, you should not ‘wait for things to fall in place’, one should behave the same way that we behave while in physical pain. Try and remember how your life has been of late, the encounters that may be the result of your current situation; is it from family, relationship, career, education, etc. Try to meditate, talk to close and trusted friends or family, talk to your doctor or a psychiatrist about it, and be open to sharing with the right people and the bright platforms. Be vulnerable to your situation just as you become while trying to seek medication from physical pain. Normalize conversation on psychological pain as you normalize the physical pain.

Earlier this year I visited an old friend of mine, Eugene who happens to own an old coffee shop at the countryside, and we were having these conversations of how time flies and how things have changed in my hometown where he jokes that one day I will not be able to locate my grandpas’ house if I took a year without visiting her and how I might even forget my mother tongue if I spend long in the city. As we had this conversation of how the market is developing and norms are shifting at the reserve areas, a young man enters and stands in the middle of the small coffee shops. He does not say a word to anyone, instead, he starts to count the furniture, I look around and no one seems to be bothered by the young man. He spends around five minutes, Eugene sighs to the waiter, he is handed over a package, and he laughs hysterically, gives a thumb up to Eugene, then leaves waving to the customers.

Me: na huyo ni nani na hako kapakiti kana nini ndani?

(who was that and what is in the small packed given to him)

Eugene: ooh John? ni kijana rika yako na babake ni rafiki ya baba yako. Anakuja hapa three days a week for the past 4 months or so. Kila akija lazima nampea snacks ndio anaenda

(john, he is a young man your age, his father might be a friend of your father. He has been coming here three days a week for the past four months. When he comes he won’t leave unless he gets a snack).

Me: na nini ndo ilimfanyikia?

(and what happened to him?)

Eugene: nikidhani ni madawa tu. Unajua tena nyinyi vijana mnajaribu kila kitu na hamtosheki. John alipelekwa university na wazazi juzi tu, kidogo kidogo nikaskia ako rehab… vijana wa siku hizi wanataka kila kitu mtu badala ya asome atafute kazi kisha mpenzi na watoto. Asiye funzwa na mamaye hufunzwa na ulimwengu.

(I guess it is just drug addiction. You youths of nowadays try everything and never get contented. John was a university student and then I heard he is in rehab… youths want all, instead of getting educated, then a job and then a partner and children)

Me: that’s sad of him and his family

Eugene: lakini pia inaeza kuwa ni vitu mingi sana zinachangia, maybe kurogwa, ama madawa za kulevya huko Nairobi, masomo mingi ama izo zote. Sababu amekuwa tu na mashida utotoni mwake. Naskianga kuruka akili inatokana na vitu mingi kama izo. Na John ako na kila kitu kwa sababu ni kijana wa pekee . sijui kwa nini anajiingiza kwa mambo kama haya.

(but still, it can result from different factors, maybe h was bewitched, or drugs from the city, reading too much or all three. He has been behaving abnormally since childhood. I hear mental illness results from many things. John has everything that he would need I don’t know why he involves himself in such behaviors)

Me: lakini unajua watu wanagonjeka kisukari ilhali wana chakula kingi wanaeza kula kuzuia kisukari

(but you know people still get diabetic and they have lots of food they can eat to prevent diabetes)

As we had this conversation with my old friend, I could not help but imagine how many people we have in Kenya and similar setups in Africa who still believe that mental illness must be as a result of drugs, witchcraft, and other cultural practices. Because Eugene explains John as a kid with a troubled childhood which explains he has been having a mental disorder from a tender age.

I could not help but think of people who have been through the same situation as John but could not get help at an early age since their parents or guardian live to have no information and the society they live in lack the information about mental health all the same.

Mental illnesses affect around 19% of the adults, 46% of adults and 13% of children in a population every year. However, less than half of this population seeks for help. People suffering from mental health maybe your families, your friends, neighbors next door, next sit in a PSV or the train, same church or mosque, or maybe your colleague at work.

The month of May is the Mental Health Awareness Month, www.kwisepsychology.com will be going through a different mental disorder each day, and work with professionals for support and reliability of the information that we share.  

Always interested in your experiences, comments, and thoughts…

Addiction And Mental Health: Why Drugs And Substance Abuse Is Not The Answer To Your Mental Health

When you are going through hard times, the use of drugs and alcohol can be tempting as one of the ways to help you cope with your situation. Most of these drugs are addictive substances and you may not realize when addiction is knocking, especially when you have underlying mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. This makes the recovery even harder as they make the existing conditions worse. When you have both mental health issues and substance abuse, it is called dual diagnosis or co-occurring disorder.

In normal circumstances, dealing with alcoholism or substance abuse is not an easy process, and it makes it more difficult when you are struggling with mental health problems. In dual diagnosis both the substance or alcohol addiction and mental health issue symptoms may get in the way directly affecting your inability to function normally;

  • maintaining stable relations with friends and family
  • maintaining a stable home and work-life
  • handle general life challenges
  • ability to function in school

If the condition goes untreated, the co-occurring disorders may affect each other making your situation worse; the mental health problem gets worse and the substance abuse increases. If you are already in it, you are not alone, co-occurring disorders are more than people realize, however it is good when you avoid the situation when you can. Below are reasons why substance use does not answer to your mental health;

1. Running away from your problem does not solve. Using alcohol and other addictive drugs to avoid your fears and problems is not the answer. Moreover you cannot keep on a run forever, circumstances will eventually force you to come back and clean your ‘house’. Do some justice and save yourself the heartaches and time by confronting your fears now rather than later. Avoid postponing what can be done today.

2. Co-occurring disorder or dual diagnosis. This is a mental health disorder that results when one is diagnosed with both alcohol or substance addiction and mental health issues at the same time. Dual diagnosis mostly affects individuals with anxiety disorders, bipolar disorders, and depressions. However, it can occur in people with other mental disorders too. Alcohol and substance abuse makes mental health situations hard to treat and manage since both conditions affect each other.

3. Alcohol and substance abuse are bad for your health. People die every day from drugs and alcohol addictions; some are directly affected due to cases such as overdose while others are due to prolonged impacts on their health. Regardless of what you may have in your mind, drugs and substance abuse will only add more problems to your current mental situation.

4. You are only likely to make things worse and more difficult than they are. Drugs and alcohol abuse makes the situation more complicated. Stand out and learn how to cope with your mental health situation right away and with the right process.

5. You may not learn how to manage your mental issues or problems. When you deal with your mental stresses and fears while sober, there is a likelihood of improvement in every step you make. You are in a position to discovering your fears and answers to your anxiety while a sober person making sober decisions to help you manage in case the situation occurs in the future.

6. Talk to a former addict. If you are still convinced that drugs and substance abuse is the answer to your current mental condition, then it is good if you get to talk to someone who has been down the same lane and recovered. A sober addict may be the best option to give you a clear picture of their mental health and drug and substance or alcohol addiction.

7. Seeking professional help is the best option. It is good to have in mind that there are lots of professionals attending the same issues that you are facing at the moment, a lot of people in the same situation that you are in and there is nothing wrong in seeking assistance whenever in need. Seeking professional health when you are battling mental health conditions the most courageous and generous thing you can ever do to yourself and your loved ones as well. Talk to a counselor or a psychiatrist who will increase your chances of getting better.

Am I The Only One Who Is Not “Doing Fine” In Lock-down And Isolation? Emotional Stability Amid The Pandemic

“Surrendering is not letting off hope, it is making peace with the present situation or acceptance of what is happening …”

Shareh Wanjau

We are coming to a conclusion to the fact that the pandemic situation will last longer perhaps than we possibly anticipated or what we were told. There are a lot of emotions, mental challenges and lifestyle drift that come with that. And there are lots of people around me that I know and some in my own like; normally they have no issues with motivation or positive energy as some may call it. Feeling apathetic, feeling zero motivated, feeling helpless. Others feel that they should be super productive at times when they are like five times busy. And more so the anxiety that we feel, anger, uncertainty that we may feel either consciously or unconsciously is a lot more draining. And many of us wonder “why do I feel tired when actually I am doing almost nothing productive?”

And when I go through the social media, I come across these random comments such as; why are people making this such a big deal? Am not feeling bad at all”, ‘this is the best time ever”, “what are people worried?”, “Is this bad?”, or “am enjoying this time”. I find these comments emotionally numb to the situation, some of us are in denial of the emotional experiences with the situation or lack of empathy.

Yesterday I was on a run and I came by this open small restaurant in my neighborhood; it is small but always busy in the normal days. The hotel was empty so I stand by the door;

 

Hotelier: good evening, kindly wash your hands and feel free to take a seat. Unajua siku hizi hakuna kusalimiana na mkono na vile sisi waKenya twapenda salamu

(you know these days handshake is as lethal and we Kenyans love handshakes)

Me: (after the hand wash) ata sikuwa niketi, nimeona mmefungua na masaa ya curfew inakaribia nikafikiria niingie nione nini mnauza

(it was just passing by and I noticed an open restaurant and the curfew hour is approaching, so I thought it is good I see what you have)

Hotelier: we are trying and still making things. We may have everything you may need from breakfast snacks, food, and drinks. We are also offering outside catering with free delivery to your homes, if you want it customized you can just place your order by call, email or message.

As I hear this guy talk, my heart breaks because businesses like these are usually hard to manage even when they are easy and even when everything is good and on normal days. And when I remember the comments people say we have this or there are people, who are having it worse,’ this is the greatest time ever’. I get a lot more frustrated when someone expresses their emotion or mental situation amid pandemic and the comments below are reminding how they should be grateful and so on. But we have to allow people their truth, their suffering and acknowledge humanity.

This will not be a marathon, we are going to have next week and the week after, next month and probably the month after and if you push harder, you may experience burnout before we get halfway through. We have to set more modest ideas, for mental health, our physical well-being, our loved ones and the community. I don’t claim to have this figured out, but I have been helpless before, below are some of the ideas I think can help deal with the confusing emotions;

 

1. Surrender 

Surrendering is not letting off hope, it is making peace with the present situation or acceptance of what is happening. Part of this is a problem that we cannot fix and thus making you uncomfortable. Whenever you feel the urge to fight back, imagine yourself like this child who is angry because the parent denies her sweets, she cries kicks and all sorts of things but still the parent does not bother. Soon she gives in after realizing there is nothing else to do. We all going to have our screaming and kicking moments, but it is good when we finally surrender and be okay with the situation.

In contrast, hope is always a good thing in a situation like this. It is good to be hopeful that maybe a few weeks from now everything will be back to normal. But by now we know that everything that we are being told is just as an estimate. No one knows what to happen next or when this lock-down will be over. The goal post of when this is going to end keeps being moved and living in hope at the moment of when the whole thing changes or gets to normal stops you from making peace with the moment. It keeps you in a perpetual waiting for life, “I will be happy when all this is over”, “I will do this when things get back to normal”. And when the authority figure says, they will push the terms to another time, the reaction to that is a huge pain, anguish, and disappointment.

 

2. Focus on the emotional and not circumstantial component

The circumstantial component of the pandemic varies from a person to another. It can be loss of a job, lack of mobility freedom or a breakup, whereby you may have little to no influence or power to manipulate.

The emotional component is the bigger part and you may have the power or be in a position to manipulate. When you look at the whole situation as an enemy, you might feel bitter and depressed, more so you may develop stress or anxiety. It is here and already happening, the situation you are in, accept it as an old friend and a companion. Yesterday was a social distancing, loneliness or quarantine, so it is today, tomorrow, possibly next week. Just make friends with it.

 

3. Place pain in a larger context

You can take this experience as a lesson teaching you on something in the future, you can use this opportunity as a time to learn some new skills. We may never have this ever in the lifetime. Not that it is a good thing, but we can utilize it. It is a different kind of pain reminding us humans from whenever we are that we are adaptable. Maybe you have never learned how to be adaptable and this is the time to learn and realize how adaptable you can be and nothing wrong with this.

Always interested in your experiences, comments and thoughts….

 

6 Reasons Why World Bipolar Day Is Important

‘World bipolar day is expected to raise the awareness of the underlying bipolar conditions and to work in eliminating the stigma…” Shareh

Bipolar disorders are known to affect someone’s mood where the mood swings from an extreme to another.


March 30th of every year the world comes together to mark and raise awareness of a mental disorder that is a little less on the limelight despite affecting more than 10 million individuals across the globe, and close to 6 million Americans, each of the cases is distinctive in a way.

The impact of bipolar disorders goes far much beyond the said numbers. I learned this a while ago when I was volunteering at a young adult facility dealing with youths affected with different issues as well as mental disorders. However, I have been greatly inspired through the interactions with the peers, the bipolar community in Kenya and their pliability to interact through interaction with bloggers, mental health influencers’ from across the globe.

World bipolar day is expected to raise the awareness of the underlying bipolar conditions and to work in eliminating the stigma. There are some aspects of bipolar disorders that are critical for us to understand which way may help us in fighting the social stigma on World Bipolar Day:

  1. Bipolar disorders are caused by all aspects of life as well as genetic. Research on bipolar disorders has shown that the condition cannot trace its cause from a single cause thus associating it from a number of mixed factors such as:
  • Environmental
  • Biological or genetic factor
  • brain chemical imbalances,
  • life events
  • past experiences among others

2. Every other bipolar disorder is different from another. Bipolar disorders are known tom affect someones’ mood where the mood swings from an extreme to another. For instance, in some individuals, they experience episodes of depression or mania while in others it just switches between moods. Bipolar disorders are also known as maniac illnesses. Those suffering from bipolar tend to have significant disruptions in day to day lives affecting their ability to function.

3. Bipolar disorder has an impact on our daily lives. When you agree to learn and understand the bipolar disorders, you get in a position to recognize any symptoms; may it be yours or from others of various moods at early stages and before they become more severe. This gives you a chance to talk to your doctor or trusted friend about your condition and also putting you in a position of making changes before the situation worsens. These may include the things that you can avoid such as stimulants which may help in mood balance, and what adds to your routine such as more meditation and physical exercise.

4. Bipolar disorder can affect everyone despite their age or career. Maniac illnesses affect all persons in the population. A number of celebrities in the past have come out to public sensitizing the stigma that comes with bipolar disorders. Demi Lavato is one of the celebrities to start a CAST on bipolar disorder which is an extension of Los Angeles mental health awareness organization which she says has helped her to be sober for more than 6 years. 

5. Rarely does bipolar disorder exist alone. Bipolar disorders come with episodes of fear, worry, anxiety, and more depressive episodes. These moods swing from psychological affecting the psychological functionality of a person. A bipolar disorder like all mental disorders directly affects individuals and their families.

6. It is life-threatening and the support is very important. According to WHO, 1 in 5 people who diagnose with bipolar disorders die in suicide. Even if we should not wait for the international bipolar day to sensitize the public about the condition, 30th March is an opportunity for us all to show support to those living with the maniac illness as we give them hope. There is a need to fight the stigma of all mental illnesses.